To Faith on Your Due Date

My Sweet Little Girl,

Today is the day you were supposed to arrive in the world, the day we were planning for your big debut.  Today is the day I’d planned to hold you and nurse you and look into your eyes as you looked at me.  Today is the day we hoped to start learning about your personality.

But instead it’s just another day.

When I began dreaming about this day, eight long months ago, I pictured a nursery full of woodland creatures.  I pictured light and joy and happiness and excited anticipation.  I pictured a beautiful baby in my arms as family and friends came to admire our new arrival.

I thought when I woke up today, I’d be ready to go to the hospital or maybe already at the hospital or maybe even home from the hospital by now (Your sister was three weeks old on her due date!).

May the Lord bless you and keep you; may the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; may the lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.  ~Numbers 6:24-26

Instead I woke up to a day with a sore back.  I woke up to my fifth day on the South Beach eating plan.  I woke up to a Facebook newsfeed full of donuts I’m choosing not to eat right now.  But most of all I woke up to a day without you.

I’m trying to be thankful.  I’m trying to cling to God, who knows the end from the beginning.  Most days I’m successful.  

Today is not one of those days.

Today, I cried.  But you already know that.  You’re looking down on me from Heaven, with Reese, as you see the throne of glory in person.  I didn’t cry for you.  I cried for me, for all the hopes and dreams I lost when I lost you.  You didn’t lose hopes and dreams.  You gained everything by entering God’s Kingdom.  So I’m sad for me.  But I rejoice with the angels and the Lord Jesus that you and Reese have made it home.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  ~Genesis 50:20

I miss you every day, Faith Leanne, but today I miss you even more.  Reese is very missed, too, but today is your day.  Today is the day I hoped to meet you.  I’ll have to wait quite a bit because God’s not done with me here on Earth, but someday He’ll call me home and I’ll be with you.

Happy Due Date Day, sweet little girl.  I’m thankful for the months I carried you.  I’m thankful for the days I held your tiny body in my arms.  I’m thankful God is writing an amazing testimony with your life.  I’m thankful you’re safe in Heaven.  And I’m thankful for YOU!

Love,

Mommy